The Last Time I Cried

<The Last Time I Cried>

                 

"What you think is not always what you feel."

(You might not understand what I talk about in this essay because first, it is quite personal, and second, I am not really explaining the details of the story much because I feel embarrassed about it.)

We often believe that humans are rational beings who are capable of making right decisions. It seems true. We are logical. We have the ability to think and evaluate properly. Our minds are well programmed to find out what are good for us and what are not. Yes. We are great because we are humans.

But… Really?

Sometimes we do things that even ourselves do not understand. Sometimes we follow our instincts when deciding something. Sometimes we are not logical. Sometimes we forget how to think and evaluate properly. Our minds are programmed to pretend as if we are perfect. But, in reality we all are in some way irrational and fragile.

Finding this simple fact out is not easy. It doesn’t really feel good to know that we are not logical beings because this kind of “epiphany” often comes with embarrassment. When that moment of truth comes, you would not want to accept it for 100%. At least I felt like that. I tried to reject it.

That moment came to me last semester. It was the day when the midterm had ended finally. I was physically exhausted but mentally alive. So, I decided to go to Miss. Han’s lunch party. (which was the irrational decision #1) At first, it was great. The food was good. The talk was interesting. Everything was going fine. Then, one boy, who saw me laughing too much, and thinking that I would not care much about whatever he says to me, came up and said, “Today I found out that your eyes are really small.” All of a sudden, I was stoned.

Trust me. I am not the kind of person who gets upset easily and frequently. Most of the times, I do not care much. But, I do have a problem that I know well about. Sometimes, certain words or certain phrases make me become strange. I do not really get mad or anything. The fact is I get HURT. And that was certainly one of those kinds of phrases. I don’t know. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe my exhausted body hampered me from thinking properly. I tried to keep my stupid smile from fading out. I pretended as if I don’t care. The party ended up in a good mood. Except me, everyone was happy. No one knew that my mind was scratched. Well, I did not want anyone to know that because I thought I would become “uncool” if they know that I am such a small-minded person. (which is basically true)

Okay. So, this is the basic story. But, wait! It hasn’t ended yet. I was hurt, but I am not that much a timid person to cry just because of this small event.

I came back to my room. I felt empty. I needed to talk with someone. Fortunately, when I saw my phone, there was a text message waiting for me to look at. It was from a close friend of mine. With a blank mind, I started exchanging messages with him. Soon, I felt better. He was certainly a pleasant talker. He knew when to talk what. While I was texting with him, my roommate came in and asked me whether or not I would buy roses. (There is a Rose Day in school when students exchange roses not only in romantic purposes but also in pure purposes.) Because I was texting with him, and because I thought that he was certainly a close friend, I told him that I would buy a rose for him, really just as a friend. (Irrational decision #2) He replied. “No. You don’t need to. Actually, you shouldn’t cause I will not buy any for you.”

At first I thought that he was misinterpreting my purpose. So, I said, “I didn’t mean something weird. I just meant to give you that for friendship. That’s all.” But, still, he said, NO. This time, he added an explanation for my better understanding. He said, “Roses mean something special to me. I will not tell you why they are special, but they just mean much to me. I want to receive it from someone special. You are certainly a close friend of mine but you are not a “special” friend to me. Even if you give me one, I will not give you. So, just don’t give me.” Yes. He was honest. And, honestly, I did not want myself to be in any way special to him. I, myself had never thought of him as a “special” friend, either. So, maybe I should have not felt bad about what he said. But, you know what? Our minds work in a strange way that even we do not understand.

At that moment, I cried.(Irrational behavior #3) I do not know exactly why until now. I did not really like him that much but just thinking that I will be forever NOT special to him made me sad. Unconsciously, I was hurt again. One bad thing happening in one day is okay, but two things in one day are just too much to handle. The bad memory of lunch and this weird experience were all mixed up and came to me in a form of a monster. The exam was over but I could not be happy at all.

Luckily, I met good friends after that moment. In the cafeteria, I met my closest friend and told her everything about it because I had nothing to hide to her. She did not understand me at first but she tried hard to help me feel better. Even more, in the elevator as I was going down, I met a friend who knows me much. He noticed that I was crying. Knowing my somewhat secretly strange personality well, he helped me get out of my sadness. At first I got embarrassed and did not want to tell him what had happened, but after talking with him I really felt better. Until now, I feel thankful to them.

Now, I know that humans are not always logical and all that. That day, I found out that I cannot even predict myself. Learning this was certainly painful. However, because I know now that there will be people who try to understand me whatever strange thing I do, I feel relieved. I don't feel empty anymore.