The Last Time I Cried

<The Last Time I Cried>

                 

"What you think is not always what you feel."

(You might not understand what I talk about in this essay because first, it is quite personal, and second, I am not really explaining the details of the story much because I feel embarrassed about it.)

We often believe that humans are rational beings who are capable of making right decisions. It seems true. We are logical. We have the ability to think and evaluate properly. Our minds are well programmed to find out what are good for us and what are not. Yes. We are great because we are humans.

But… Really?

Sometimes we do things that even ourselves do not understand. Sometimes we follow our instincts when deciding something. Sometimes we are not logical. Sometimes we forget how to think and evaluate properly. Our minds are programmed to pretend as if we are perfect. But, in reality we all are in some way irrational and fragile.

Finding this simple fact out is not easy. It doesn’t really feel good to know that we are not logical beings because this kind of “epiphany” often comes with embarrassment. When that moment of truth comes, you would not want to accept it for 100%. At least I felt like that. I tried to reject it.

That moment came to me last semester. It was the day when the midterm had ended finally. I was physically exhausted but mentally alive. So, I decided to go to Miss. Han’s lunch party. (which was the irrational decision #1) At first, it was great. The food was good. The talk was interesting. Everything was going fine. Then, one boy, who saw me laughing too much, and thinking that I would not care much about whatever he says to me, came up and said, “Today I found out that your eyes are really small.” All of a sudden, I was stoned.

Trust me. I am not the kind of person who gets upset easily and frequently. Most of the times, I do not care much. But, I do have a problem that I know well about. Sometimes, certain words or certain phrases make me become strange. I do not really get mad or anything. The fact is I get HURT. And that was certainly one of those kinds of phrases. I don’t know. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe my exhausted body hampered me from thinking properly. I tried to keep my stupid smile from fading out. I pretended as if I don’t care. The party ended up in a good mood. Except me, everyone was happy. No one knew that my mind was scratched. Well, I did not want anyone to know that because I thought I would become “uncool” if they know that I am such a small-minded person. (which is basically true)

Okay. So, this is the basic story. But, wait! It hasn’t ended yet. I was hurt, but I am not that much a timid person to cry just because of this small event.

I came back to my room. I felt empty. I needed to talk with someone. Fortunately, when I saw my phone, there was a text message waiting for me to look at. It was from a close friend of mine. With a blank mind, I started exchanging messages with him. Soon, I felt better. He was certainly a pleasant talker. He knew when to talk what. While I was texting with him, my roommate came in and asked me whether or not I would buy roses. (There is a Rose Day in school when students exchange roses not only in romantic purposes but also in pure purposes.) Because I was texting with him, and because I thought that he was certainly a close friend, I told him that I would buy a rose for him, really just as a friend. (Irrational decision #2) He replied. “No. You don’t need to. Actually, you shouldn’t cause I will not buy any for you.”

At first I thought that he was misinterpreting my purpose. So, I said, “I didn’t mean something weird. I just meant to give you that for friendship. That’s all.” But, still, he said, NO. This time, he added an explanation for my better understanding. He said, “Roses mean something special to me. I will not tell you why they are special, but they just mean much to me. I want to receive it from someone special. You are certainly a close friend of mine but you are not a “special” friend to me. Even if you give me one, I will not give you. So, just don’t give me.” Yes. He was honest. And, honestly, I did not want myself to be in any way special to him. I, myself had never thought of him as a “special” friend, either. So, maybe I should have not felt bad about what he said. But, you know what? Our minds work in a strange way that even we do not understand.

At that moment, I cried.(Irrational behavior #3) I do not know exactly why until now. I did not really like him that much but just thinking that I will be forever NOT special to him made me sad. Unconsciously, I was hurt again. One bad thing happening in one day is okay, but two things in one day are just too much to handle. The bad memory of lunch and this weird experience were all mixed up and came to me in a form of a monster. The exam was over but I could not be happy at all.

Luckily, I met good friends after that moment. In the cafeteria, I met my closest friend and told her everything about it because I had nothing to hide to her. She did not understand me at first but she tried hard to help me feel better. Even more, in the elevator as I was going down, I met a friend who knows me much. He noticed that I was crying. Knowing my somewhat secretly strange personality well, he helped me get out of my sadness. At first I got embarrassed and did not want to tell him what had happened, but after talking with him I really felt better. Until now, I feel thankful to them.

Now, I know that humans are not always logical and all that. That day, I found out that I cannot even predict myself. Learning this was certainly painful. However, because I know now that there will be people who try to understand me whatever strange thing I do, I feel relieved. I don't feel empty anymore. 

IQ does not represent everything (after reading chapter 3)

     "Knowledge of a boy's IQ is of little help if you are faced with a formful of clever boys."
     This is sooooooo true! Living in this school, I often feel this. In order to survive, we do not need to become geniuses. We just need to have "enough" intelligence, "enough" personal quality, and "enough" knowledge. After that, nothing really matters.
     But! as a student, we constantly want more. Often, we are not satisfied. Maybe it is because we do not know for sure how our future will be. We are unsure about ourselves. That makes us to work and worry more and more.
     Now, let's stop it. Let's stop torturing ourselves.

     Don't know why this writing turned out to be gloomy. Maybe, I need a little bit of rest.

One thing that I will never stop

“You were REALLY cruel!” This is what my literature teacher told me after watching me playing the role Pozzo, a cruel master in the play, “Waiting for Godot”. Proudly, I took that as an accomplishment. He was right. I was cruel. I was the cruelest man for about 30 minutes. It was not because I read the liens of Pozzo realistically. It was because I was Pozzo.

           Some might say that I enjoy the feeling of escapism. Yes. It is partly true. Acting as a person who I had never been and never will be is certainly a great experience. I can find out the extent in which I can be bad or good. I can also get wider range of feelings such as sadness and nervousness toward a lover. Even more, I can experience things that I had no opportunity to do before such as dancing as a black girl, or flattering to the king as a hypocritical attendant. And most importantly, I do not get any blame for being any one. This is cool. Becoming another person, do whatever I want to do, and act as if it was not me (because it was really not me!) after the play is over is quite a fun game to play. But, is this all? Do I act only to get these secret pleasures? Is acting really all about escapism? Personally, I do not think so.

           I started acting when I was five. Nothing professional, I just followed a famous character in a Korean movie, wearing weird yellow clothes and red socks. Honestly, I do not remember why I did that. But it was certainly something that I wanted to do repeatedly. There was this little feeling that I did not know exactly what it was in the past. It was the feeling of becoming me, revealing myself and gaining confidence.

           Sadly, I did not have enough chance to train myself in acting while I was in the elementary and middle school. I loved acting but it was just not what I would do for my entire life. I needed to do so many other things. I had time to study, to read books, to run alone, and to play piano for fun, but I had no real time to commit myself in acting. I started to forget. That fluttering mind, that fascination, and that feelings. All were gone. I could feel nothing. I was playing the role, Robot, in the play “Fading Dreams in mundane life”.

           After entering high school, I heard from the introduction class that there is a musical club in the school. Musical? Is that same as acting? Never had any thought about musicals, I was not sure at first whether I wanted to be a member or not. Then, accidently, on a Sunday morning, I happened to watch a video version of the musical, “Cat”. As watching it, I just became a rock in front of the screen. Musical was same as acting. Actually it was more than acting. My once hard heart started to beat again.

           As a member of the club, “Stars on Stage”, my first real acting experience began. In the musical “Hair Spray”, I acted the role, Inez. It was not a major role and no one expected the musical to be so popular among the audience. Because we had so little time to prepare, we could not plan everything in detail. Without detailed plan for dance composition, the musical started. I was nervous about the lack of preparation. When I went on to the stage, however I changed. Without thinking anything, I could dance just as I want and make adlibs. I put all my passion on the musical. Although I was only a supporting role, people remembered me quite a lot after the musical which made me feel proud. They said that I looked as if I really became Inez. They could see that I not only performed the musical but also enjoyed the whole play. They said that they could feel cheerful looking at me.

           So what does acting mean to me now? It is something that I cannot give up. It is something that gives me pride, happiness, and hope. It is something that reveals me the best. Even when I act a role that is completely different from my own self, it reveals my personality, even some characteristics that I did not know before. Acting helps me show myself better. I believe I could become even more cheerful by bright experiences of acting. One can easily be cheerful. However, making others feel better is not an easy task. I believe I have the power to make others feel happy. I want to further develop this personality and spread this uncontrollably fantastic feeling even more.

         One thing to confess here! I am not really good at memorizing the lines. It is my weakness in acting. But! For me, it is not really important. What I want to do is not like becoming a professional actress. I am satisfied that I learn more about myself and feel more emotions through acting.

This is why I love acting.

Want to succeed? Get the right train!

     While reading chapter one, <The Matthew Effect>, I got quite bored. I got the idea that a huge relation exists between one's birth month and the success rate in the field of hockey. I also learned that one's environmental condition and luck act hugely on one's success. But! it was boring because I could guess easily where Gladwell is leading the readers to focus on. So, I decided to skip a few pages and move on to the next chapter, <The 10000-Hour Rule>. 

     This chapter was certainly more fun to read. Although it was mostly about the geniuses in computer science, computer programming, and IT industry which I do not know much about, I was satisfied. The style, how Gladwell organized his ideas, was quite interesting. By combining the classical ideas and some unique findings about the 10000-hour rule, Gladwell succeeded in telling his point that one's success is never a result of one's individual talent. He approached to the topic in somewhat different way. 

     10000-hour rule is actually quite well known. (Headmaster in my school likes to talk about it in the weekly morning ceremonies if he gets the chance to make a speech.) Basically, what the rule is telling is that one's possibility of success is directly proportional to the amount of practice one makes. If Gladwell only talked about this, I would not have made any effort to read more. However, while agreeing to the idea that one's individual effort is important, Gladwell kept on emphasizing how much luck the successful people had got. Yes. It is true that they had a little bit of inborn talents. They were smart, had good start, and were certainly talented. But! Imagine them having no time to practice what they are good at because of poor family income. The fact that they were able to have 10000 hours to practice is itself a very fortunate luck they had in the first place. 

     Even more, imagine that Bill Joy or Bill Gates had no enough facilities to practice their field of interest. It was quite possible to happen because there weren't many computers in the past. However, luckily both of them ended up having having enough chances to use computers and other highly technological facilities. Fortuna, the goddess of luck was with them. 

     One more thing. Imagine that they are born in 1800s or 2100s. If they were born in 1800s, they would have ended up doing different works and discovering different fields because the computer industry was not ready to come out in to the world yet. If they were born in 2100s, they would not have got the opportunity to be the first real generation of IT world. Because they were born around 1955, they could make changes. 

     Thinking about all these, I was little bit depressed. Okay. Without individual efforts, success will never come. But, what if I do enough practice and fail at catching my luck? Without luck, without appropriate time, and without a fitting environment, success would never come. Then should I really make an effort to succeed? What if I have no luck? These questions kept on following me last week. 

     Having a depressed mind, I went to a wedding ceremony last Sunday. It was a wedding of one of my cousins whose father is now a billionaire. (Actually I did not know that I had such a wealthy cousin before going to the wedding...) There, I heard how he became a billionaire. According to my grand father, he was only a normal taxi driver before. He was so poor that he frequently came to my grand parents and asked for money. When this hardworking taxi driver became 43, he decided to start a new transportation company. Because what he knew the most was taxi, he started with taxi. Later he expanded his business into general transportation company and became successful. 

     Yes. He did not invent or create anything special. He was a normal guy. However, he knew what he was good at. After driving a taxi for more than 10 years, so maybe more than 10000 hours, he had naturally got the idea of the taxi industry. And, when he was first starting the business, there weren't many ways of transportation in Korea. He was at the right place at the right time to get the opportunity. 

     After hearing the story about his success, I decided to become optimistic. My uncle started his business when he was 43 and he succeeded. 43! That is like about 2 times much as my own age right now. It means that I still have plenty of time to find my own interest and practice it for 10000 hours, get the opportunity of time and place, and become a successful person! Yes! This is it!

     So, now it is time to go and find my interests. But before that, I need some Fruit Ninza. I know it will make me able to think more creatively :)